SHALEHARBOR

Kitty showed up on my doorstep almost a year ago to date. She was a tiny little thing and stole my heart with her first “meow.” My roommates did not want her in the house, so Kitty and I spent time daily together outside cultivating our relationship. When winter came, their hearts softened and she was allowed indoors. Despite all the comforts of indoors Kitty still loved to roam the great outdoor “wilderness”, even in the bitter cold. She found delight and challenge in every butterfly, chipmunk, and even opossum that roamed the wooded lot. She would climb trees, hide in the bushes, and run free…then enjoy a quiet safe night curled up on my pillow.

Quite suddenly my roommates all moved out of state this summer. I had to move my belongings into storage and take up temporary residence with a friend in her apartment. The place is small, the neighbors are noisy and quite disruptive, the smells are less than pleasant, and I often have to park some distance away when arriving at home at night. I am discontent, longing for space, for quiet, for my things, and a yard for Kitty to once again roam in. I am convinced that I must be settled, have stability, and all of the comforts I once knew restored to me.

Kitty is quite discontent as well. Her meowing has not stopped since we left the old house. She doesn’t eat, and she doesn’t sleep. I hold her, pet her, feed her, play with her, and still she sits by the door and/or the window and cries. So I resort to talking with her. My conversation with her is almost verbatim everyday, “I’m sorry. I know that you are sad, but this is our new home. I’m sorry that you can’t go outside here, it’s just not safe.” The crying persists and so I continue, in more of a lecture format now, often extremely frustrated at this point (largely due to my lack of sleep), “I love you. I have given you a good home. I take care of you. I feed you. I protect you. I could have left you at the other house, but you would be all alone. Isn’t it enough that we are together? What else do you need?”

Today as I was talking with her, I heard the same words echoing in my own heart. “I’m sorry. I know that you are sad. I love you. I have given you a good home. I take care of you. I protect you. Isn’t it enough that we are together? What else do you need?” And then it hit me; my discontent is no different than Kitty’s. I have tasted freedom, adventure, and life on my own. Now I cry, scream, and fight for what I think I want and am convinced I need. I complain, I whine, I persist, in hopes that maybe His answer will be different. All the while professing I want more of Him and less of me, my heart betrays me. I want Him plus everything else.

“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ- the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith” (Phil. 3:7-9)

To have Him, to really have Him, means that if I had nothing else, I would truly have all that I need. Has He really given me all that I need in relationship with Him? What about my stuff? What about the husband I haven’t found, let alone married? What about the children I haven’t birthed? What about the relationships that haven’t been restored? What about the financial freedom that I haven’t acquired? Am I willing to relinquish those things if it meant I would gain more of Him? Do I consider knowing Him something of surpassing greatness and everything else by comparison rubbish? Sadly, my relentless pursuit and dependence on these things and others testifies to the contrary.

I am learning there is nothing that is hidden that will not be revealed. If He is to be enough, my contentedness will continue to be tested and refined and I will continue to be stripped and broken until at last, He is all I have. I don’t know if it is worth it. I am scared. The pain seems overwhelming. I don’t want to let go. Will I choose to continue this journey knowing what it will cost me? Will I trust Him? Do I love Him enough?

He is exposing my heart and revealing Himself through conversations with my cat. Listen closely…He whispers to you too.

Ashley Vass

This entry was posted on Friday, August 17th, 2007 at 4:20 pm and is filed under Christian Living. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.